"The Pause": a common French parenting motion; pausing before attending to a baby's wants, to let
them learn to self-soothe and deal with frustrations.
Making children eat at fixed meal times (and the same times as the adults eat) teaches them to
wait, and wait without frustration, and generally become comfortable delaying gratification.
"When I tell Bean to be sage, I'm also telling her to behave appropriately. But I'm asking her to
use good judgment and to be aware and respectful of other people. I'm implying that she has a
certain wisdom about the situation and that she's in command of herself. And I'm suggesting that I
trust her."
(I don't do this enough. Often, I lecture my daughter in public, which she then resents.)
"French experts view learning to cope with 'no' as a crucial step in a child's evolution. It
forces them to understand that there are other people in the world, with needs as powerful as
their own."
"Cohen writes, 'Periods of playing and laughing should alternate naturally with periods of peace
and quiet. You don't have to talk, sing, or entertain constantly.'"
"It turns out that in French there are four magic words: sil vous plait (please), merci (thank
you), bonjour (hello), and au revoir (good-bye). Please and thank you are necessary, but not
nearly sufficient. Bonjour and au revoir — and bonjour in particular — are crucial."
"Saying bonjour acknowledges the other person's humanity. It signals that you view her as a
person, not just as someone who's supposed to serve you."
"It's me who decides": "When I ask French parents what they most want for their children, they say
things like 'to feel comfortable in their own skin' and 'to find their path in the world.' They
want their kids to develop their own tastes and opinions. In fact, French parents worry if their
kids are too docile. They want them to have character. But they believe that children can achieve
these goals only if they respect boundaries and have self-control. So alongside character, there
has to be cadre."
"This idea that you're teaching, not policing, makes the tone a lot gentler in France." (versus
disciplining).
Intro
The American parenting problem: "One writer defines the problem as 'simply paying more attention
to the upbringing of children than can possibly be good for them.'"
Argues that the overparenting wave came about due to:
Widening of the rich-poor gap, which caused a more competitive parenting mindset.
Misled beliefs in the 80s onward that children are psychologically frail and need more of our
attention.
That kidnapper and abuser danger lurks everywhere.
"Yet the French have managed to be involved [in the lives of their children] without becoming
obsessive. They assume that even good parents aren't at the constant service of their children."
Paris is burping (chap 2)
French mothers are much calmer about pregnancy; they put on less weight, stress much less over the
best practices and asking "is it safe?", and yet they have equally healthy birth stats.
Doing her nights (chap 3)
Pamela argues that French parents have their kids sleeping through the night within a reasonable
number of nights, without using fancy or branded sleep methods. Basically, self-efficacy and being
encouraged to trust their bodies.
"The Pause": a common French parenting motion; pausing before attending to a baby's wants, to let
them learn to self-soothe and deal with frustrations.
"The Pause works in part because parents believe that tiny babies aren't helpless blobs. They
can learn things. This learning, done gently and at a baby's own pace, isn't damaging. To the
contrary, parents believe it gives the babies confidence and serenity, and makes them aware of
other people. And it sets the tone for the respectful relationship between parents and children
that I see later on."
Even babies need some privacy. "The little baby learns in his cradle that he can be alone from
time to time, without being hungry, without being thirsty, without sleeping, just being calmly
awake. At a very young age, he needs time alone, and he needs to go to sleep and wake up without
being immediately watched by his mother." - Dr. Leersynder
Wait! (chap 4)
"Having kids who can wait makes family life more pleasant."
Making children eat at fixed meal times (and the same times as the adults eat) teaches them to
wait, and wait without frustration, and generally become comfortable delaying gratification.
"When I tell Bean to be sage, I'm also telling her to behave appropriately. But I'm asking her to
use good judgment and to be aware and respectful of other people. I'm implying that she has a
certain wisdom about the situation and that she's in command of herself. And I'm suggesting that I
trust her."
(I don't do this enough. Often, I lecture my daughter in public, which she then resents.)
This is what French parents are "educating" their children about, fundamentally.
"I'm now convinced that the secret of why French kids rarely whine or collapse into tantrums —
or at least do so less than American kids — is that they've developed the internal resources to
cope with frustration. They don't expect to get what they want instantly."
"Kids learn how to distract themselves when they're made to wait. They just need to be given the
chance."
Why do American parents bring snacks for their kids everywhere they go?
"In France the gouter is the official, and only, snack time. It's usually at about four thirty
P.M., when kids get out of school. It has the same fixed status as other mealtimes and is
universally observed for kids."
This preserves their hunger for the late dinner.
Eating meals together in an orderly fashion serves as "little capsules of patience training."
"Walter Mischel says the worst-case scenario for a kid from eighteen to twenty-four months of age
is 'the child is busy and the child is happy, and the mother comes along with a fork full of
spinach...'". The parent is not listening to the child's rhythms.
"French experts view learning to cope with 'no' as a crucial step in a child's evolution. It
forces them to understand that there are other people in the world, with needs as powerful as
their own."
"Making kids face up to limitations and deal with frustration turns them into happier, more
resilient people."
Tiny little humans (chap 5)
About parents who try to have their kids hit developmental milestones (like learn the alphabet;
subtraction) sooner than their peers: "He didn't think that pushing kids to acquire skills ahead
of schedule was either possible or desirable. He believed that children reach these milestones at
their own speeds, driven by their own inner motors."
Cadre: a strict frame, within which the kid has great liberty. The frame usually consists of rules
and times for eating, sleeping, watching Tv.
Dolto popularized listening carefully to one's kids and giving them the credit of being rational,
while still setting boundaries (a cadre).
Day care? (chap 6)
The believed benefit of a creche (a French daycare), besides the watching of the kid, is the
socialization.
According to a large study, children fared better when "enhancing experiences" — like going to
the library — were part of the childcare.
Bebe au lait (chap 7)
Few women in France breastfeed their kids. The reason seems to be cultural: women don't think they
have enough milk, and there's no peer pressure for them to do so.
The perfect mother doesn't exist (chap 8)
"Cohen writes, 'Periods of playing and laughing should alternate naturally with periods of peace
and quiet. You don't have to talk, sing, or entertain constantly.'"
French parents hosting a play date don't expect the other parents to stay.
"By the time a child is three, French birthday parties are dropoffs."
"Most kids just choose one activity per school term."
"The let-them-be principle comes straight from Francois Dolto, the patron saint of French
parenting. Dolto very clearly argued for leaving a child alone, safely, to muddle about and figure
things out for herself."
Caca boudin (chap 9)
(French public preschool is off on Wednesdays. That's nice.)
French parents, about delaying reading until 6 or 7:
"She and her husband say that at this stage it's much more important for children to learn
social skills, how to organize their thoughts, and how to speak well."
Training children to say hello, to show respect, and acknowledgment of others:
"It turns out that in French there are four magic words: sil vous plait (please), merci (thank
you), bonjour (hello), and au revoir (good-bye). Please and thank you are necessary, but not
nearly sufficient. Bonjour and au revoir — and bonjour in particular — are crucial."
"Bonjour madame/monsieur" in particular.
This helps the child learn to project confidence in their interactions with adults.
"Adults are supposed to say bonjour to each other, too, of course. I think tourists are often
treated gruffly in Parisian cafes and shops partly because they don't begin interactions with
bonjour, even if they switch to English afterward."
"Saying bonjour acknowledges the other person's humanity. It signals that you view her as a
person, not just as someone who's supposed to serve you. I'm amazed that people seem visibly put
at ease after I say a nice solid bonjour. It signals that — although I have a strange accent —
we're going to have a civilized encounter."
Bonjour teaches the avoidance of selfishness. Or put positively, it teaches selflessness.
"Kids who ignore people, and don't say bonjour or au revoir, they just stay in their bubble.
Since parents are dedicated to them already, when will they get the sense that they are there to
give, not just to receive?"
Double entendre (chap 10)
"I still feel much as I did at the moment of the boys' birth: that my attention is hopelessly
divided. I ask my friend Helene — who also has twins and a singleton — whether she's considering
having more. 'I don't think so; I'm at the limit of my competence,' she says."
I adore this baguette (chap 11)
French culture and healthcare urges mothers to "get back into shape for sex," to restore intimacy
in the marriage.
"'Adult time' or 'parent time.' It's when the kids go to sleep. Anticipation of 'adult time' helps
explain why — once the fairy tales are read and the songs are sung — French parents are strict
about enforcing bedtime. They treat 'adult time' not as an occasional, hard-won privilege, but as
a basic human need."
Argues that children should be told about adult time, so they know that they are not the center
of the universe. It's important for their development.
The kids should have their own special program too, during parental holidays.
The parents taking a yearly 10-day holiday by themselves: "She says that kids also occasionally
need space from their parents. When they all reunite after the trip, it's very sweet."
French women don't seem to rage against their husbands for doing less at home, or being less
competent at parenting than the mother.
"This is because Frenchwomen don't expect men to be their equals. They view men as a separate
species, which by nature isn't good at booking babysitters, buying tablecloths, or remembering
to schedule checkups with the pediatrician."
You just have to taste it (chap 12)
In Paris, snacks are not used to distract and soothe kids. They're not given kids menus, they
don't snack between meals.
"Parents take for granted that, while kids will prefer certain tastes over others, the flavor of
each vegetable is inherently rich and interesting. Parents see it as their job to bring the child
around to appreciating this. They believe that just as they must teach the child how to sleep, how
to wait, and how to say bonjour, they must teach her how to eat."
Pamela suggests talking about the expected sounds and textures of new food, to engage the child
and get them to focus on it.
"All the French baby books I read urge parents to stay calm and cheerful at mealtimes, and above
all to stay the course, even if their child doesn't take a single bite. 'Don't force him, but
don't give up on proposing it to him,' the government handbook explains. 'Little by little,
he'll get more familiar with it, he'll taste it... and without a doubt, he'll end up
appreciating it.'"
"The ordinary, middle-class French parents I meet are evangelical about the idea that there is a
rich world of flavors out there, which their children must be educated to appreciate."
"She views each night's dinner as part of Lucie's culinary education. She doesn't worry too much
about how much Lucie eats. But she insists that Lucie has at least a bite of every dish on her
plate."
"In France, everyone eats the same dinner. There are no choices or substitutions."
"Part of keeping the mood light is keeping the meal brief. Fanny says that once Lucie has tasted
everything, she's allowed to leave the table."
It's me who decides (chap 13)
French parents do not believe in sharing power with the child. "It is me who decides."
"When I ask French parents what they most want for their children, they say things like 'to feel
comfortable in their own skin' and 'to find their path in the world.' They want their kids to
develop their own tastes and opinions. In fact, French parents worry if their kids are too docile.
They want them to have character. But they believe that children can achieve these goals only if
they respect boundaries and have self-control. So alongside character, there has to be cadre."
"This idea that you're teaching, not policing, makes the tone a lot gentler in France." (versus
disciplining).
Authoritative but not authoritarian: "the parents' response should almost always be yes."
"Children should watch a bit of television, so they have a shared culture with other kids."
"Instead of spanking, they recommend that parents become adept at saying no. Like Marcelli, they
say that 'no' should be used sparingly. But once uttered, it must be definitive."
Let him live his life (chap 14)
"The trap of the relationship between parents and children is not recognizing the true needs of
the child, of which freedom is one... the child has the need to feel 'loved in what he is
becoming,' sure of himself in a space, day by day more freely left to his own exploration, to his
personal experience, and in his relations with those of his own age." - Dolto
To have a child feel good about themselves, they should feel good about their work for their own
reasons, so French adults do not "praise everything a child does," as is common in American
parenting.
The future in french (conclusion)
"I still declare, 'It's me who decides' in moments of crisis, to remind everyone that I'm in
charge. I see it as my job to stop my kids from being consumed by their own desires. But I also
try to say yes as often as I can."