Advice: assume there's a reason to her reaction, and pursue her about it.
Hug the porcupine, reassure her during conflict: "it's a magic bullet": 50% of women say
reassuring her neutralizes their turmoil.
"Women want to be romantically pursued. It's as powerful as the man's sex drive."
"One compliment can carry me a long way." "We're dying of thirst of them."
The deal is never closed (chap 2)
"Even if your relationship is great, your mate likely has a fundamental insecurity about your
love": would he choose me now, all over again?
Women feel that being at odds with their partner is mentally destabilizing. "When we're at odds,
nothing is right with the world until it is resolved." It's hard to compartmentalize.
"Even women in good relationships feel they could be just a few bad blowups away from things
going south… so when there is any sort of trouble between you, she needs you to reassure her
of your love and that the relationship is secure."
During conflict, reassure her of your love
"If you're like most guys, when you're in the middle of a conflict, you need time alone to
process things. Most women we heard from react exactly the opposite — only 9 percent wanted
to handle their feelings of insecurity alone."
"It's a magic bullet": 50% of women say reassuring her neutralizes their turmoil.
Hug the porcupine
In a conflict, she needs a hug, not space.
"Hug the porcupine??" Yes: her quills will melt. She's insecure, and a hug clarifies her
standing with you.
Being pushed away even while hugging the porcupine can feel manipulative to the guy. On the
other hand, if she's still pushing, she's probably in the face of him showing love, she's
probably felt unloved for a long time, and it's been building.
Saying he loves her when it's smooth, or when asked, carries no meaning. It carries lots of
meaning and reassurance when there's conflict and she's distressed and pushing him away.
Anecdote: "When he approaches her, she pushes him away even though closeness is what she
wants! But if he'll put aside his pride and try again… that will break through her
defenses. it tells her that no matter how she's feeling right then — whew — he really loves
her."
Persistent pursuit
"Pursuit" prevents insecurity from developing. For most women, it's what makes a great
husband. Many men cease pursuing after marriage. As a result, she may get resentful or
depressed.
"So give chase." The chase hasn't ended with marriage. Little, intentional things are
sufficient, rather than grand dates.
Windows… open! (chap 3)
The authors observe that women's brains are designed to process many things at the same time.
Women have more white matter, men have more gray matter.
Hers is a multi-tasking brain; this is why women tend to be better at managing a web of
commitments.
Her partner can help her by closing down some of the topics distracting her, so she doesn't have
to keep the connections open / topics loaded in the foreground of her brain. E.g. an unresolved
conflict, or a chore she didn't get to.
"If she brings up old wounds, she may not be holding on to a grudge but actually trying to
process it so she can resolve it, close the window, and let it go."
"If the concern involves you and the relationship, listen and reassure. If it doesn't involve
you, listen and encourage her to take some action — or take it for her."
The reason hiding in her "unreasonable" reaction (chap 4)
Men generally have the view that women are inscrutable, and so they don't try to fully
understand the woman's behavior. "But this is untrue and unhelpful": the authors assert that
there is a reason and it can be found and understood, even if it's not obvious.
Advice: assume there's a reason, and pursue her about it.
Your real job is closer to home (chap 5)
Financial security vs. emotional security
"For her, emotional security matters most… this means she feels emotionally connected and
close to you and knows you will always be there for her, no matter what."
The most important part of emotional security is feeling close. This means feeling loved and
like you're best friends.
"As our children grow up and as we and our wives age together, our best memories will not center
around the cool things we bought or the size of the house… the measure of success will be…
the life we shared on a daily basis." So don't over-prioritize being the best provider at the
expense of being happy or present.
Listening is the solution (chap 6)
Don't fix. It's distancing.
"When she is sharing an emotional problem, her feelings and desire to be heard are much more
important than the problem itself."
Some situations require just listening, and others require a fix. If it's unclear which this one
is, ask what she most wants.
Step 1: ignore the problem, listen to her feelings about it, "pull out the feelings" from what
is being said.
Step 2: sit down together and work the problem.
Don't mix up the order of these two steps.
With sex, her "no" doesn't mean you (chap 7)
"Men are powerfully driven by the emotional need to feel desired by their wives, and we filter
everything through that grid."
Women surveyed say they want sex less than their partner due to lower sex drive, or being tired
and stressed. Very few because they "find him undesirable."
Hormonally, the average woman wants to initiate/pursue sex less than the man. Even if she will
ultimately enjoy it.
"There are actually two different types of sexual desire: assertive desire and receptive desire.
Where men have more testosterone-type hormones linked to assertive desire, women have more
estrogen, which is tied to receptive desire. This means that they tend to be available but
simply don't have as much craving to pursue it."
This also means women are more susceptible to nonsexual distractions which prevent them from
pursuing. E.g. headache, stress from the day, interaction with the kids.
She needs more warmup than the man does.
Analogy: requires effort, like turning a cruise ship. Once turned, she's very into it.
Help her warmup by providing anticipation, e.g. flirting or innuendo earlier in the day. "I
saw you get dressed this morning and I can't stop thinking about you."
"Sex starts with the heart"
Anecdote from a wife: "All my power to turn you on is how I look. But where you have power,
and where I don't, is how you treated me today. It's all emotional."
"Women want to be romantically pursued. It's as powerful as the man's sex drive."
Scheduling time for intimacy? Anecdote from the woman: "when I have it in mind to expect it,
then it is really a reward at the end of a long day. If I don't know to expect it, then that is
when it becomes a chore and just another thing that needs to get done."
The girl in the mirror (chap 8)
"On our survey most women told us they had a 'deep need or desire' to know that their husbands
or boyfriends found them beautiful."
"Guys, we are divinely positioned to encourage and build up the woman we love. We can't be
nodding off in the living room chair while the little girl twirls in front of us."
"One compliment can carry me a long way."
Women want specific, honest compliments.
"We're dying of thirst of them."
Like "Yes, that other woman is cute, but you're beautiful, and you're mine."
"Tell her — often — that you truly don't notice what she thinks of as flaws."
E.g. unstraight teeth; widening hips
Regarding her spending on clothing; consider it an investment
"I hope by now you're seeing what's really happening here — she's trying to stay in the
center of your field of vision and to bolster her own internal gauge of how she feels about
herself."
Don't look elsewhere
"If a woman sees her husband's eyes also affirming the beauty of other women, she ceases to
feel special. Suddenly, not only is she not affirmed, she's in competition with the world
again."
Even though "men are visually wired to notice every option", this is not known or appreciated
by women.
"Each day your wife and mine hold out to us their intense, God-given, little-girl desire (and
right) to be treasured. Each day she's threatened on all sides by an offensive and abusive
world. And each day — with kind words and faithful eyes — we, too, can be our wife's protector
and hero."