Meeting the child in their world means going to their level and doing the kind of games and
make-believe which is most fun for them.
"I find that it is often better to play at being incompetent instead of pretending to be fearful,
since that seems to let the child loosen up and laugh about it more."
Sportsmanship through hyperbole: set up a game where they will always win, and pretend to be a
ridiculous figure of a sore loser.
Empty threats are especially anxiety-arousing for children. We may know we would never leave them
in the grocery store, but children aren't sure.
Games based on knowledge of a TV show or video game are less universal and thus less inclusive.
Bind the children against you when they're fighting: grab the contentious toy and run, so they
team up against you.
Children ask for the same play experience again and again because they remember that it brought
them close to you.
Follow the giggles: "Giggles are the best form of laughter. Whatever triggers it, keep repeating
it."
"Ask children to try to get you to laugh — you'll get a good picture of what they think is
funny."
Play out the situations where your child is impulsive: "let's play school", "let's play getting
dressed and ready", "let's play bedtime routine."
Fortunately/unfortunately game: fun word game, even for adults.
Patch Adams: make everything fun, even standing still in the grocery store line. "Unlike bribes,
making everything fun fosters closeness, confidence, and cooperation."
Author's technique for bedtime separation: leave while they're still awake, but tell them you'll
be back in 5 minutes to check on them, and if they're still awake, you'll lay down with them and
do the cycle again. This removes the fear that you're going and you won't be back, and allows them
to fall asleep.
Choose a "meeting on the couch" over a "time out". Unlike timeouts, usually everyone leaves the
couch feeling better. Start with the mindset "we have a situation" not "my kid is misbehaving."
Parents may think they are giving a punishment (the yelling), but the child sees it as a reward
(the reconciliation after yelling). If children don't know how to arrive at the reconciliation
directly, they do it with bad behavior to prompt the yelling.
The value of being a playful parent (chap 1)
Purpose of play
"We complain about children's short attention spans, but how long can we sit and play marbles or
Barbies or Monopoly or fantasy games before we get bored and distracted, or pulled away by the
feeling that getting work done or cooking dinner is more important?"
Why do children play? It's a place — "one of magic and imagination." Like our jobs, it's their
full time occupation. Their mode of exploration. "Play is possible anywhere and anytime, a
parallel universe of fantasy and imagination that children enter at will."
Why do we consider child labor such an abomination? Because it means children grow up without
having a childhood and without play.
"Play serves the purpose of satisfying our incredible — almost bottomless — need for
attachment and affection and closeness."
Every parent should master play. "If they don't think we will play, they may never ask. They
just go about their business, and we go about ours, and we all miss chance after chance to
reconnect."
"Out of desperation more than cleverness, I picked up two of her dolls and I made one of them say
in a nasty voice: 'Oh, she can't get dressed by herself; she doesn't know how to get dressed
by herself." Then I made the other one say, in a nice voice, 'She can so; she really can do it!'"
His daughter would laugh, get dressed, and the nasty doll never seemed to manage to see her get
dressed.
Role reversal for fostering emotional recovery: let the child be the one in power. E.g. the child
is the doctor who gives the parent a shot and then comforts them with a toy.
Building empathy through play: "the daughter had classmates who were just beginning to learn
English. This was fascinating to her, and for weeks, walking home from school, she would say,
"Let's pretend we speak a different language." She and her father would speak gibberish to each
other, pretending it was the language of some other country.
Join children in their world (chap 2)
Game idea: let the toddler barely manage to kick you while on the swing, and you fall over
"Why is this such a great game? It manages to cover all of the deep purposes of play: the
contact, or near miss, is a great way to play with connection. Having the younger child be the
more powerful one builds confidence. Having someone else fall down lets the toddler release all
her frustration about walking."
(My kids loved this game when they were toddlers)
Meeting the child in their world means going to their level and doing the kind of games and
make-believe which is most fun for them.
Sometimes a parent must first lighten up before joining on the carpet for play after work.
Of course children should play by themselves or with friends part of the time. This fosters
independence. But to fulfill the promise of play, kids needs adults to play with some of the time.
The importance of "getting down on the floor"
For younger kids, this means being at their eye-level.
For older kids, it means being on their turf, e.g. the mall.
Why is it hard for adults to play?
They have flabby play muscles, due to lack of use.
They have emotional blocks or anxiety from life which prevent them from letting loose.
Children ask for the same play experience again and again because they remember that it brought
them close to you
"I guessed that the children experienced a very close, warm bond with him when he told them the
story. Later, wanting to experience another shared moment with him, they ask for the same story
again. Children rarely say 'Hey, that was great, let's do something else.' They almost always
say 'Let's do that again.'"
Establish a connection (Chap 3)
Where the wild things are: "This story has endured for two generations because children and
parents alike are move by the full circle of human connection: the child violates the parent's
rules, is punished, then uses fantasy to play out his feelings — confident in the knowledge that
he can return home to his mother's love."
"As babies grow, their explorations take them further and further afield, but those whose cups
have been consistently filled always carry a strong sense of security within them. They are
securely attached. Children who are not securely attached tend to be anxious and clingy, or
withdrawn."
On hyper-active kids: one interpretation of this behavior is that the kid is trying to get
attention to refill their cup of attachment.
"Acting up and getting punished can be a way to get a refill if none is freely available.
Unfortunately, the usual response, to ignore these children, makes them only more desperate for a
refill."
Game: the love gun
He invented this to allow him to connect with aggressive boys.
If they're using a gun as a toy, he says it's a love gun, and when shot, he has to love whoever
shot him. "I open up my arms and take a step toward them with a big, goofy, lovestruck grin on
my face."
"Sometimes they'll say 'No, this is a hate gun.' I just say 'Oh, it must be broken because it's
making me love you."
Connection games "work best when the adult provides the insistence on connecting, but the child
actually sets the terms of how the two are going to connect."
"Any play can be the doorway to connection. When a child pretends to shoot you and says 'You're
dead,' try falling over dead, in a dramatic death scene, right on top of him. Grab his leg and beg
him to bring you to a doctor. If the child squirms away, go into even more dramatic death throes
that bring you right back on top."
Encourage their confidence (chap 4)
Prepare your child for the world by both supporting and challenging them.
Let them experiment with power, e.g. rule-breaking of trivial made-up rules in a safe environment.
Enjoying the terrible twos: learn to recognize and even enjoy the burst in independence, while
providing the safety and structure of clear limits.
Sportsmanship through hyperbole: set up a game where they will always win, and pretend to be a
ridiculous figure of a sore loser.
Adults are famous for taking all the fun and playfulness out of learning swimming or math, by
using play or lessons that are too structured.
When kids lose interest in an activity like sculpture, they don't say "I'm not sure I'm good at
it, can you help me get better?" they just say "I'm not interested anymore." We have to be
detectives to gently ferret out whether they're feeling powerless and are struggling, or whether
their interests have really changed.
Follow the giggles (chap 5)
"Giggles are the best form of laughter. Whatever triggers it, keep repeating it."
"Ask children to try to get you to laugh — you'll get a good picture of what they think is
funny."
Chasing a child and repeatedly failing to catch them: "Why is this so funny? The outrageous claims
make the adult into a fool, which is funny enough, but especially since it helps [the child] feel
more powerful."
Sometimes kids have a negative emotional outpour after a play session: once they feel safe and
close from all of the giggling, a slight at the end of the play session can trigger an emotional
outpour. Don't mistake the slight as the cause of the emotions. It's healthy for them to let it
out. Sit with them through it.
Learn to Roughhouse (chap 6)
Provide basic safety. "Pushing and holding are more helpful in building confidence and connection
than hitting. Your commitment to no one getting hurt, including yourself, builds feelings of
safety that allow for effective wrestling." This also extends to emotional safety: no humiliating
the other person.
Find every opportunity for connection.
"If the child avoids eye contact, you might say, 'Before we battle to the death, let us do the
ancient warrior custom of looking each other deep in the eyes.'"
There is a huge difference between wrestling and punching a punching bag, and the difference can
be summed up in two words: human connection.
Use every opportunity to play through old hurts.
"Replay:" For example, if a child had a disappointing defeat that day, let her replay it with
you through wrestling. You represent the obstacle or bully. The object of the game is not
necessarily for her to win this time around, though that can be helpful, but more important, to
right all out with you cheering her on.
Stop when someone is hurt
"Interrupting wrestling — or any activity — to pay attention to physical injuries is
especially key for boys, who are often encouraged to be stoical and keep playing."
No tickling allowed. Tickling is confusing: they're laughing and so seem to be enjoying it, but
it's usually implemented with forceful control by the parent. It makes the child feel like the
situation is out of their control. If they want to be tickled, do it sparingly with pokes, not an
assault.
Play out the situations where your child is impulsive. Just say "let's play school". "Let's play
getting dressed and ready." "Let's play that you want this toy real bad, and I won't share it with
you." Take a real situation that is hard for them, label it as play, and let children practice
gaining control over their impulses in ways that won't get them punished or humiliated.
Suspend reality: reverse the roles (chap 7)
"Let's pretend that you're the dad and I'm the daughter, and you're mad at me" — a five-year-old
girl to her angry father.
Playtime should let kids have the power for once: be the teacher, pin papa to the mat, enforce the
bed time. The kid never has the power in life's situations until they're an adult.
On their first ski trip, you can make kids feel more competent by reversing the role of beginner
and expert. If they fall, you can fall (hilariously) too.
Joint storytelling: ask your child how the story should go at various points. This allows them to
explore their fears and worries, without talking about them directly. E.g. the child creates
terrifying dangers for the hero, and the parent invents a way to resolve them.
"I find that it is often better to play at being incompetent instead of pretending to be fearful,
since that seems to let the child loosen up and laugh about it more."
Watching scary or suspenseful movies: "I find it's a good idea to take what I call scream breaks.
Pause the movie and give a pretend scream, which will usually be followed by giggles. This break
lets some of the feelings out, like the valve on a pressure cooker."
Game idea: Larry's school of nonsense. It's more fun than playing "regular school." The parent is
the teacher and makes up all kinds of ridiculous rules, which the kids break, and the teacher is
then outraged.
Most play situations just repeat closely what is seen on TV. Toys which are merchandised afford no
flexibility in how they're used. E.g. a toy guy, a power ranger doll.
Beware shows that mix sex and violence. They can be overwhelmingly stimulating for kids and
corrupt their imagination.
Children's play time is shortening: some children barely know how to play if they don't have a
store-bought toy with them. Meanwhile, school days contain less and less play time, even in
kindergarten, and more academic preparation."
Empower girls and connect with boys (chap 8)
"Parenting has been described as the process of giving our children both roots and wings."
"Both closeness and confidence should be every child's birthright. But girls are discouraged from
being too powerful, and they are encouraged to be overly nice, to care more about relationships
than about achievement."
Fortunately/unfortunately game: in order to help boys to talk more, play simple word and language
games. A favorite is fortunately/unfortunately: one person starts a story with Fortunately, says a
line, then the next person says the next line, but starting with "unfortunately". You go back and
forth telling a tale of disaster and rescue — two important themes for most children.
Girls relay their concerns onto dolls in doll play.
"My favorite tactic with disengaged teenage girls is to say 'Okay, your turn.' They ask me what I
mean. I tell them that they can talk about anything they want, or we can go anywhere they want."
Follow your child's lead (chap 9)
"Just say yes". Most of the time, parents are in the mode of saying "no".
Let children try and fail: "Most situations in life aren't so drastic that children can't be
allowed to figure them out on their own. It's like doing children's homework for them: the answers
may be right, but they haven't learned anything. So instead of saying 'That won't work', try
saying 'Let's try it and see.'" You will be seen as an ally, not as a naysayer.
Give them dedicated "Play Time" with you
Structured, intentional 1:1 time where the child leads. "Go deep into their territory".
This intentional, prescribed time helps the child anticipate and plan for it, and the parents to
be extra intentional once it begins. Kids often save up emotional issues to be worked through
during this time.
"You don't answer the phone or cook dinner or take a nap during Play Time."
Dedicated play time with each child helps sibling rivalry recede.
Play time can be hard if we don't like the games selected, or it's boring. And we're always
pulled towards our own priorities — work, chores, etc. Take time to renew after playtime. It's
hard. Treat it like deliberate practice; focus.
If the kid is able to play by themselves, e.g. they move your piece around the monopoly board
for you, that's not an excuse to leave. Your job is to stay awake. That's the type of play your
kid wanted at that moment.
Your kid communicates through play. Imagine if you don't engage, or keep interrupting and
changing the game on them. "We've all had the experience of wanting to tell someone something,
but they keep interrupting or changing the subject or telling us what to do or how to feel. We
hate it, yet we do it to children all the time."
Regulating their play when it's dangerous: "That scares me. Let's see if we can figure out a way
to do it safely. If we can't, we'll have to forget it.
Take charge when necessary (chap 10)
In short, join the activity on their terms, and steer it towards connecting.
You can provide a gentle push to connect if the play isn't set up properly:
"The next thing we need to do is connect: how do you think we ought to do it?" Children who
aren't used to being asked this question may need some ideas or suggestions about how to
reconnect, such as hugging, looking in each other's eyes, shaking hands, wrestling, giving a
high-five. Children who have been asked a few times generally have very clear ideas about how
they want to connect.
"Make every encounter into a two-way exchange"
If a child is building a tower and ignoring you, rather than building your own tower in
isolation, collect all the blocks so she has to ask you for blocks. Or pick up blocks and ask
how to build a tower with them. Or build a goofy tower but fail until she instructs you on what
to do.
Introduce important themes into play
Like playing "school drop off" at home, to defang it and remove separation anxiety.
Example themes: potty training, punishment, separation anxiety, bed time, including others,
sharing.
"Having the child's dolls or stuffed animals act out exclusion and rejection is my favorite way
to introduce this theme."
"Birthday party lists are not a time to empower children; they are a time to guide them,
especially when it comes to exclusion based on race or class, or exclusion of a scapegoat or
outcast."
If you want your child to be friends with someone, the parents should invite their whole
family over.
Make it fun: why don't we treat chores as fun? It's just a mindset.
Patch Adams: "the file room of the Navy Federal Credit Union in Anacostia might seem like an
unlikely place to thrive."
"Bribes are not the same as making the activity fun. In fact, bribes backfire, making it even
less likely that children will want to do something on their own initiative, whether it is
getting up in the morning, or studying in school, or doing chores. Unlike bribes, making
everything fun fosters closeness, confidence, and cooperation."
Learn to love the games you hate (chap 11)
Excess dependency / clinginess
Children are used to being sent away and they dread it. Every time they come close, they are
already tense about the impending separation.
Role reversal: try clinging to the child.
Author's technique for bedtime separation: leave while they're still awake, but tell them you'll
be back in 5 minutes to check on them, and if they're still awake, you'll lay down with them and
do the cycle again. This removes the fear that you're going and you won't be back, and allows
them to fall asleep.
Loosen up about rules that don't matter:
E.g. if your kid wants to cover themselves in bandaids… let them.
Power struggles disappear if we don't fight over them.
Game: make up pretend rules which are silly, and fuss when the kid breaks them. Rule breaking is
always an interesting area of exploration for kids.
Game: "Arwen's monopoly": let your kid make up the rules of monopoly. The kid will end up giving
themselves big wads of money. It's all good. "I pretended to be surprised with each new rule that
emerged, and how it benefit her and not me!"
Violent games: you can't expect to ban games about symbolic aggression, like war or power rangers.
Best to join and transform it into a productive game.
Sexually themed play: kids who get exposed to more than they can handle try to cope with it in
play. They'll usually play some sex-themed game in secret with another kid. If you discover
this, have a conversation about sex and answer their questions candidly, and reduce their
exposure at home.
When the parent is too busy, consider this tactic: say "I don't have time right now; let's have a
big hug and play in fifteen minutes." Like serving a snack after school to tide a child over
until dinner, that extra contact helped the child manage the wait until she could get some
attention from her parents.
Accept strong feelings (chap 12)
Sometimes you have to ask the kid to repeatedly tell the story about how they got hurt, so they
can release emotion. The first time they tell it may be very short.
Author recommends not letting children cry themselves to sleep, alone. Don't "cry it out." Use a
better tactic. Infants are not trying to manipulate their parents into sleeping with them.
Kid's exuberance: we get annoyed because kids are loud and excited. Send them outside, but don't
suppress it. "Soon you'll be nostalgic for that childhood energy… join in the fun. It will be
good for you, for the children, and your relationship with them."
Giving in to tantrums
Be careful not to dogmatically hold your ground during a tantrum.
"We may feel stuck; we don't want to give into the tantrum. We need to be willing to change our
minds if our no was unreasonable. Children can tell the difference between caving into their
screaming versus reconsidering our position."
Rethink the way we discipline (chap 13)
Cool off: effective discipline rarely happens in the heat of the moment.
Make a connection
Author sees most misbehavior as a matter of disconnection. Ask yourself: is their cup empty?
Instead of reaching for punishment, which tends to create an even larger disconnection, try
thinking about how to reestablish connection. When's the last time you did Play Time?
Choose a "meeting on the couch" over a "time out"
Couch time is a break you take together, rather than the parent imposing their will on the
child.
Start with the mindset "we have a situation", rather than "my kid is misbehaving."
Unlike punishment, usually everyone leaves the couch feeling better.
Children fear banishment, and will fight the time out even more. They will make pathetic
promises to be better, which they can't keep, because they were made out of fear.
Timeouts do get kids attention, which is required for connection, but there are less hostile
ways to get their attention.
"I've never seen anyone punished into being good. Bribes don't work either."
Parents may think they are giving a punishment (the yelling), but the child sees it as a reward
(the reconciliation after yelling). If children don't know how to arrive at the reconciliation
directly, they do it with bad behavior to prompt the yelling.
Instill good judgement
This is more scalable than "obedience in specific situations".
It comes from talking about how they might handle certain situations, discussing moral dilemmas.
Kids behave as kids. Or they're just different from their parents. Ask yourself, would a third
party observer think the kid was doing something wrong enough to deserve punishment? Don't abuse
your power as the bigger person.
Empty threats are especially anxiety-arousing for children. We may know we would never leave them
in the grocery store, but children aren't sure.
Play your way through sibling rivalry (chap 14)
Not all suffering is worthy of intervention. "Children need to get into arguments to learn how to
resolve them; they must be excluded from groups to learn group entry skills."
Bind combative children together, against you
When they're fighting over a toy, take it and run, and become the bad guy. Give them bait to
join forces.
Do frequently let them resolve it themselves, because they need to learn how to do this.
Games based on knowledge of a TV show or video game are less universal and thus less inclusive.
Much sibling conflict can be seen as trying to steal a refill from their siblings cup. If you
refill their cup more frequently, stealing becomes less necessary.
Recharge your own batteries (chap 15)
It's hard to be a playful parent if you're exhausted, bored, or your kid is acting like a brat.
You need to come into it with a full cup.
Cure: have someone listen to you. A therapist, or just a friend, and take turns swapping listening
duty.
Good listening:
Take turns, be confidential, don't judge anything they say. Don't interrupt and say "me too" and
launch into your own story.
Let the emotions flow. Don't try to make the other person shove them back inside. "Don't worry,
there's nothing to be upset about!"
Public meltdowns
When parents themselves or kids are having a meltdown in a public place, go over and help. We
tend to turn away in disgust.
"She saw a father screaming at a little girl for dripping ice cream from her cone onto her
dress. She stepped over and said, very calmly, "you can't talk to her that way." "Why the hell
not?" "Because you're scaring her. Look at her."
The author thinks that playing a game to get the kids through their chores is actually more
time-efficient than chasing and nagging them through it.
"Always make up after a fight. Offer forgiveness without being asked. When things are rough
between you, spend more time together instead of less. As a way to resolve conflict, offer a hug
instead of the usual punishment."
Stop being boring: "don't ask your poor children those automatic questions — 'did you wash your
hands?' years ago I learned to stop doing this. I would try to tell her something interesting,
some gossip or colorful story, and my kid would perk right up."