This is a system to transfer the role of soothing to your child.
Expect transformation within 2 weeks.
Newborns outgrow our soothing devices quickly, but we cling to them. Doing so masks the child's
natural soothing abilities. It's over-helping.
Parents get frustrated and turn to a harsh shut-the-door approach to get the kids to develop their
soothing habits.
When enabling your child to self-soothe, we don't want the baby to feel alone or fearful.
Core ideas:
Kids need warmth and to sense that the world is a safe place.
Kids need structure and routine.
The approach (Chap 2)
The debate is usually "crying it out" vs secure attachment, from attachment therapy. It's a false
dichotomy.
You can be there and support your child as they fall asleep: just be thoughtful and consistent, to
help them form their new behavior — to pass on the soothing responsibility to them.
Consistency
Children have very strong associative learning. They are pattern seekers. Use this to your
advantage. Children are also quick to let go of old patterns.
This is "super important": sleep problems arise from even small inconsistencies. Consistency is
a powerful driver for how the child learns.
Attunement
Babies need our warmth and soothing touch to feel bonded.
Attachment theory is misinterpreted to mean "just stick by the child." In addition to sticking
by your child, it also means empowering the child to be independent. Give them enough room so
they can actually practice the skill of going to sleep.
Kids need to struggle to learn. It's the same as letting them struggle with math problems before
jumping in to help. If you sit next to your child at night, they don't have the chance to
struggle and learn to sleep.
Attunement: "I'm here and I'm watching, but I'm letting you try on your own, and I know you can
do it."
Insecure attachment also manifests in adults: have trouble sleeping without someone there; not
comfortable being alone.
Attuned response to your child is generalizable: during the day, across all of their activities,
watch them struggle, and support gently, but don't step in until after awhile. Be curious to see
how they handle themselves.
Toddler - 5mo to 2 years (chap 4)
Your toddler is capable of self soothing. But it's very common that they become dependent on you
for this because they haven't been encouraged to do it alone.
Key components of this approach
Early and consistent bed time.
Regular nap schedule.
"Sleep wave."
Why does your baby wake up in the night?
They all do. But good sleepers will self soothe back to sleep, by themselves.
Poor sleepers call out for external help because they're looking for the soothing trick that put
them to sleep in the first place.
Early and consistent bedtime
When the child wakes up and the stimuli around them are different, they're disoriented and will
wake up fully, calling out for you.
If they go to sleep the same way that they will wake up, they will be able to self soothe again.
Once she's in her crib, if there's anything you do that she can't do herself later, you must get
rid of it from the routine. E.g. holding her, patting her back, music that's playing but which
eventually shuts off.
Lower the lights in the house an hour before bedtime. Bright lights suppress melatonin. Use a
dim lamp in their room.
Keep the room cool. 65-68F.
Early bedtime begets longer stretches of sleep.
Their bodies are programmed for early rising. So moving forward bedtime let's them stretch out
their sleep.
If parents come home right before their bedtime, it's very stimulating for the kids and impairs
their ability to ramp down.
Bedtimes routines
Kids are highly sensitive to routine. Do the same thing each day, in the same order. It's
soothing.
Choose soothing activities rather than stimulating activities.
Do slow, non-stimulating movements during the last stretch of the bedtime routine.
They will have a Pavlovian-like response to the routine leading up to their descent into sleep.
Make the last step of the routine be in the dark. E.g. turn out the lights and sing her a song.
Older kids will have less FOMO if they sense that everyone else is winding down too.
Sleep wave technique
It's called "wave" because it's a wave-like repetitive response to their needs.
Both parents need to be aligned on the overall plan.
Sleep wave lets you both respond to your child, while also making it clear that the baby is
responsible for soothing.
Steps:
Put baby down awake. Say the same statement each time before leaving. "Love you; rest well.
I'll be right outside." The statement should be consistent each time, and the tone should be
calm and matter of fact.
If they don't cry, then leave them be.
If they're crying, wait for 5 minutes. Then enter, stand at the door, or crib, where the baby
can see you, and say your script, and then leave. You should be in there only 7-10 seconds.
Babies will protest for 20-60m the first night. Don't add any new steps, like patting her
back, when you enter. She will be guessing whether she did something different to get that
extra soothing, and will try to get more out of you. Be super consistent. If they're only
whining or crying intermittently, probably don't go back in; but use your judgement.
"The wave" is that you go in every 5 minutes to convey that you're predictable. With the
frequency and precision of your visits, she will identify your pattern, trust it, and then be
satisfied soothing herself.
Parents get confused when the child protests the change.
The baby will get louder and angrier when you first do this. That's her testing the pattern
until she determines it's reliable.
Use 5m intervals, not longer, so that her tears are ones of protest, not ones of fear and
abandonment.
Through the crying, you are responding to your baby. You're just not taking back the baton of
the responsibility of soothing.
Remember, this has worked for thousands of kids.
Set a wake-up time that is 11 hours after bed time, for this age. Let their sleep end naturally.
But if they wake up after 11 hours, they're done for the night; they're not going to go back to
sleep.
Moments of frustration are the best learning opportunities for your kids.
It's like when your kid asks for chocolate. You know you can act to make them temporarily happy.
But it's not healthy for long term.
Supportive thoughts to soothe and encourage yourself while your baby is crying:
It's ok for my baby to struggle. That's how we learn.
I am changing a strong pattern, so she will protest.
I want my kid to have healthy long sleep.
I want my baby to have confidence in her abilities.
I want baby to have healthy sleep habits for a lifetime.
Consistency is key. You are the steady foundation. Reliable checking ensures they don't feel
fearful and abandoned.
Exude confidence in your baby. They will absorb your attitude and confidence.
Your job is not to be harsh to escalate. Be consistent.
Why it might not work
Parent does even a little bit of soothing during the checks, like rubbing the back. The baby
will want more of that and will take longer to settle down on her own.
The parent who checks is anxious or exasperated.
The baby is overdressed.
Feeding happens right before bed.
2-6 years old (chap 5)
Each element in the bedroom that's part of their routine, they will need to be able to control
themselves in case they wake up. E.g. don't tuck them in in a way that they can't do themselves.
Ideal sleep time is 7-8pm. (At 8pm expect them to wake up at 7am — 11 hours).
Kids this age need 11 hrs of sleep.
Duration of bed time
Allow enough time for winding down. If you feel rushed, that will transfer to your kid and they
won't feel relaxed.
The routine can take up to an hour.
Don't underestimate how long it can take, especially if you have multiple kids.
Make bedtime routines sweet and relaxing.
Tool: bedtime chart
Show your kid and other family members how you're going to move through the routine.
Helps to keep them on track and cement the routine.
Any time you're working with a verbal child, talk with them about any changes you plan to make to
the routine.
Don't ever make bedtime a punishment ("Behave, or I'll send you to bed!"). It should be a thing
they get to do, not a thing they have to do.
Institute a "last call policy"
This is the "last call" for asking for water, asking any questions they may have, toilet trips,
etc. This gesture both meets their needs, and also contains it. They will feel heard.
Techniques for helping them fall asleep independently
"Reverse sleep wave"
Rather than the child having to call for you to come check in on them, instead you can
proactively check in every 5 minutes, whether the child calls you or not.
The first time you do the check, go in after only 45 seconds. That way they can get the idea
that they don't need to prompt you, and nothing that they did brought you in. Then gradually
increase the time between checkins until you reach 5 minutes. Then stop checking in once you
notice the kid has slept.
These checkins have to be quick. Come in, say the magic phrase, or even just poke your head in
and say "I'm checking in on you; see you in five minutes, bye".
Once they get used to the concept, most kids are asleep by the third checkin.
The idea is that they can rest safe and sound that you're coming back every five minutes, and
they can feel like they don't have to spend any energy figuring out a way to get you back into
the room themselves. They can instead focus on soothing themselves. And that remains their
clear responsibility.
It's a sweet way to bridge your awake time together, to their gradual falling asleep.
This should only be used at the beginning of the night. Normal sleep wave (where you only go
in as long as they're protesting) is better for middle-of-the-night wake ups.
Only works for kids 2 or older, because they need to be able to understand your explanation
that you're coming in every five minutes, even if they don't do anything.
Sleep wave
Better to use the reverse sleep wave if you can.
Gradual parent wean
If you're lying down with your kid, that's a very entrenched pattern. A sleep wave may be
insufficient to start with. One approach you can take is to gradually move yourself out of the
room. 12 inches every night, until you're out the door.
Stay in your spot until they fall asleep.
Don't move too far each night. It's the gradual nature that makes it comforting.
Start by explaining to the kid what you're going to do the day prior.
When child is in a bed, not a crib
If they cling to you as you leave, "expand the crib". Keep them in their room and make that the
clear boundary — they don't go past the door.
Use a baby proof gate at the bedroom door to keep them contained.
Naturally, close the door if they are OK having it closed.
Kids who come out of their room
The goal is to be so repetitive and non-engaging that they deem it not worthy to call you in.
If they come out, walk or carry them back into bed, saying your phrase. If they're crying, do
the 5 minute checks. Perform no other actions — the "last call" is over.
Expect them to get up 20 times the first night, as they thoroughly test the boundaries of this
new routine.
The morning after, acknowledge the effort and the progress they're making. Not excessive praise,
which they may tune out.
Sleeping is most effective when you keep your response pattern consistent under all sleeping
conditions. When they first go to sleep, when they wake up in the middle of the night, and when
they go down for a nap.
Early wakings
It's harder for the kid to fall back to sleep at the end of their sleep cycle.
Don't shift their bedtime later in response.
Don't let even a sliver of morning light seep in to their room.
Buy a clock that they can read so they will know they need to lie there until it's actually
morning.
Naps
You'll know it's time to drop the nap when:
They go peacefully into their crib, but then just lie there and don't fall asleep.
On days where they do nap, bedtime becomes a much bigger hassle than usual.
Hold the nap time in place even if they've stopped sleeping for some days. The quiet time allows
them to physically rest and they will often return to sleeping again. Temporary "nap strikes"
are a thing. Many parents mistakenly drop their kids naps at this time.
If they protest for 30-45m, then end nap time for that day.
Maintain a quiet time once they end nap. And slowly move their bedtime up so they don't lose the
sleep.
When to move from crib to big bed
Some kids stay in cribs until 3. Most exit at 2.5.
"Don't fix something that isn't broken."
If the kid is close to climbing out, move them to toddler bed. It's safer.
Don't let them choose which kind of bed to sleep in. It's too heavy a choice for them.
Expand the crib by putting up a baby gate at their door.
Scary dreams
If your child wakes up due to a nightmare, go to them immediately.
Three year-olds start to have scary dreams because they're exposed to stories which make it
clear that bad things can happen.
When your child expresses fears about being in the dark, express curiosity and discuss their
fears, rather than just telling them there's nothing to be afraid of. Sit in the room in the
dark with your kid, and talk about how the shadows are from objects, and flip on the lights and
show how the objects of the same no matter whether it's light or dark.
Use the reverse sleep wave.
Fast-forward through the scary portions of any movies you watch with them.
Bad dreams often happens on the second half of the night, during rem sleep, when most rem sleep
occurs.
Night terrors are different from nightmares. They happen after ~2 hours, when the child is first
exiting from deep sleep. The child is in a disassociated state and can't be consoled. They
appear to be awake but won't engage with you. Just sit near them and wait it out. The child
won't remember them in the morning.
(This did happen a handful of times with my kids and it was bizarre. I had to just wait until
they returned to coherence; they were crying and couldn't be reasoned with).
School
When they start school their sleep will be disrupted. Hold on to your predictable structure.
Moving
Maintain as much familiarity as possible.
Visit the new home a few times to try lay there, before you do a hard cutover.
Guests visiting the house
If you need to have the kid sleep with you to make room for guests, tell them this is a special
occasion.
Trips
Do your best not resort to the most unhelpful sleep associations: staying with them until they
fall asleep, and having them sleep in your bed.
Some kids are OK with one-off sleepovers with the parents. Others really cling to it and have a
hard time reverting to the usual routine.